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28 July 2008 @ 09:39 pm
Wow it has been a while since I blogged. Well here goes.
 I just returned from a 2 week whirlwind vacation. Boy did I need it. I took my time and explored locations from AZ to FL. 
I learned alot about how I had changed being married from when I was single before and have really found a comfort zone I like being in. I have taken a new look and an new lease on life. I also found a new love SNORKELING!! Whoot! Note to self and to anyone else thinking about snorkeling, put suntan lotion on your back AND your bottom. LOL. I found out just how much your bottom is exposed when you are collecting shells and playing with the wildlife on a reef.
So now I'm back and looking to get involved in great things. I am really fighting my propensity to become a work-a-holic again like I did the last time I was single. so with that I will close for now. 
Current Mood: rejuvenatedrejuvenated
18 June 2008 @ 10:27 pm

HI all !!
Well I finally sat my butt down and modified my profile on My Space. I have added a bunch of new pics on there covering several SCA events so go take a look:


If you see any pics you like I have most of them in several different view points. I just love my camera.


Current Mood: energeticenergetic
16 June 2008 @ 05:54 pm

Ok ok so I haven't posted in a while. SO to make a long story short my life is gone to s#$t and I feel the world is against me . NOT!! Actually life has been treating me pretty good lately. Isn't it funny how Karma works!! I am finally reaping the rewards from being honest, loyal and true.  I have been working on my house , working on my body (yeah no more cancer) , Revamping my military job ( got to love being given complete control) , Trying to get to events but getting side tracked with projects and deployments, and starting my life anew. I know my close friends have seen me down in the dumps and know the reason why but that doesn't mean I need to bore you all with it here. Yes I'm turning over a new leaf. One without drama( I divorced that), one with new friends, and one with the loyal friends that have kept me sane for the past year. I am going to learn how to play the game, do the things I love to do without worrying what people think and  not worry if someone likes me or not (body language says enough to know. Those that want to be your friend will seek you out so I will sit back and see who they are).

Several wise women have shown me what I must do to be a strong woman in the SCA. (you know who you are, THANK YOU!)
1. People will be nice to your face and talk about you behind your back. Its all apart of the politics of the SCA. Don't let them know they have hurt you or that they got to you. Be nice to them back is freaks them out. Never be part of the rumor mill, be apart of the silence.
2. Take every opportunity in the SCA to learn. Don't avoid events because of people who have hurt you be there in spite of them.
3.  Do the things you want to do not the things others want you to do. But don't shut out the people who want to take you under their wing to guide you. They have played alot longer than you have and can show you the path to success and happiness.
4. Get involved! Come out of your shell. Being shy only hinders your progress. Find people who will make you come out of your shell. You 'll be better for it. Do things you normally wouldn't do (err uhm Barmaids).
5. Don't assume certain people don't like you because they are friends with certain other people. They might, give them the chance those that seek you out wouldn't if they didnt want you to be a part of something bigger.
6. Know who your true friends are but don't shut out potential new friends. 2 faced normally reveals itself in a short period of time. Keep true to yourself don't fall into the " I should become something I'm not so that people can't hurt me anymore". Remain honest and true you will win in the long run by reputation alone.
7. Your true friends will reveal themselves when you need them the most. Especially those that have to distance themselves from all drama or bad situations for the sake of the SCA.
8. Up your game not only does it prove to everyone you are serious about living the dream it helps you to spread the dream

So I have . I am ready to take on the world and open my arms up to anyone willing to embrace me back.  I will be going to more camping trips and more weekday events. I will not decline personal invitations to others parties or homes. I will be there to learn and there to teach.

With open arms I hug you all.
"Cinna buns"

Current Mood: energeticenergetic
27 January 2008 @ 09:34 pm

As always I have to seek my friends to put my life into perspective. the weekend was another productive weekend. 1 I wasn't home for the weekend and 2 my friends kicked me in the rear again to get my pouty butt in gear. Thank you  Richard, Darin, Daryl, Sheila, Kip and of course Reagan!! So with that War planning, War production and war  is coming along great we are almost done with the latest projects and will be moving onto the next project on the list this weekend. W00t!  As for my "issues"  my friend from NV told me make a list of the things I like about myself and post it (this got her through I figured I would too.)

What I like about myself
1. Once someone gets to know me I make them laugh
2. I am a very honest person
3. I like my boobs (pierced and perky LOL)
4. I have raised a great kid
5. I am a great cook
6. I am a mostly happy and positive person
7. I love defending my country
8. I am a great weather forecaster
9. I give great hugs
10. I am a very helpful person

So with that I will leave you with a saying from my mom." The second mouse always gets the cheese" LOL

Current Mood: goodgood
26 January 2008 @ 01:10 am
You know everyone has a bad day and today was one of them for me . Yes work is stressful right now but that wasn't it. Yes preparing for war is hectic but that wasn't it either. But the fact that today is Jim (my ex's) birthday really struck a cord. Why is a man who has treated me so wrong still have such an influence on my life? Why can't I forget and find happiness again? Why did I stand by a man who used and abused me for so long and why is it I'm the one alone right now and hes not. I know men aren't going to approach me until I am over my ex but why are there women out there who are willing to 1 get with a married man and 2 others who will get with a known cheater.

For 26 years this man has been in my life and for 11 years we were married. Those 11 years was all a great big farce.  He lied, cheated and basically lived a double life. So I ask myself what kind of woman would want a man who has done all these things? Well the answer is the girl he last cheated on me with. Does she think she is going to change him? Hell he's already made a trip to Phoenix to sleep with a girl we know up there. So with that why am I still feeling like crap. All day today I kept thinking to myself I wonder if anyone made him a cake or I wonder if he got any presents.So many times I wanted to pick up the phone to just tell him happy birthday but since he is avoiding all my calls I just let it go.  AM I CRAZY  OR JUST STUPID??!!  I MUST BE STUPID!!

I know I'm just digging my hole deeper but I guess not getting any answers for all the pain he has caused  has made me dig for answers on my own. But the deeper I dig the more questions come up. I  recently was looking back at all the blogs he wrote since 2004 and I noticed a pattern. In his blogs when he thought I didn't know he had the account there is no mention of me but as soon as I told him I knew, I was fondly named. Was I that blind to think he would volunteer the fact he was married? 
On a more recent note I have been trying to figure out what went wrong between us , we were supposed to remain friends but that has since gone out the window. For what? Again no answers. I hope what ever he is looking for he finds it because every counselor we ever saw said he would never get better unless he faced it on his own. Which will never happen Jim has always had another girl in the wings before getting rid of the first. Too bad I didn't know this information when he got with me. I might have chosen differently.

So today is his birthday and It has been exactly 1 year and 2 weeks since we decided to get divorced. So many people butted in where they didn't know the fact and so many said very hurtful things. I haven't forgotten them either. I was home and he was in IRAQ. I got alot of shit from many people for pushing the issue of getting answers while he was over there but people didn't know the facts. Everyone thought poor sweet Jim was getting bombed and his mean old wife is making things worse. But that wasn't it at all. I saw the Intel for his base and he was definitely exagerating. For one he was no where near any of the mortars though he'd like everyone to believe he was. And two it wasn't me who was pushing for the divorce. He was in fact the one who brought it up.
 When I was given unrefutable proof him and Jade had been cheating the whole time I was in Korea and that they were still together since my return, though toned down. I didn't want to belive it. So what was I to do but to confront him and her. They denied it of course and in the same breath he said flat out that he had no intention of staying faithful even in IRAQ. He was the one who wanted the divorce I just wanted him to stop cheating and lieing. It got so bad that I had to beg him to call home to check on us but he was instead using his limited time on the phones and computer to log onto chat rooms and email his friends instead of his family. It took him 2 weeks to find out about Matthew getting hit by a truck because he wouldn't call. and it took him a week to find out I was in the hospital, but did people know this? No! But they sure took the time to bitch me out for "upsetting" Jim. If these people only knew the real Jim (they have never met him and will most likely never will) they would definately think differently.  No one knows Jim better than I do and he is not nice at all. He has a very dangerous darkside and one day others will see it and for that I am glad I won't be around for it. I just feel sorry for the people who will be around him when he loses it. The one thing I am sick of ... people telling me how great Jade is and how sweet Jim is. If they were such good people they wouldn't have done the things they did. So now it is on her to deal with his illness. I hope she finds out what he says about her. They will both reap the bad Karma they have built upon themselves.

So now I sit here not knowing what I did wrong. I can't change things I don't know about . At least when I got divorced before, my first ex told me what he felt were my faults and on many points he was right . but I still don't know where I am when it comes to Jim. All he can tell me is it wasn't me at all that I was the perfect wife it was all him, so if he knows this why doesn't he seek help instead of a warm bed? Why did he let me go if I was so perfect.

I am so confused right now I want to move on a find a man who will treat me right and who I can share my life with but I'm stuck in this emotional loop. I just wish people would see the real Jim and realize how abusive he is not only to me but to everyone he meets. Knowing this I feel a little bit better about my decision to get divorced from Jim but I really need help letting go. If anyone has words to help me let me know. the pain at times is crushing. My mom says its the Nightingale syndrome I want to fix Jim but you can't fix someone who doesnt want to change. So what can I do? I really need to move on and find someone who will love me and for me to love. Maybe war will bring me the boost I need and the support of people who know me to help me through this. An 11 year "addiction" is very hard to break. 

Broken hearted with alot of love to share.
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
13 January 2008 @ 11:24 pm

These are the kind of entries I like to write.
As you all know I am upping my game when it comes to the SCA. Something I wanted to do for a while is finally happening. So with that , my friend Thera and her hubby Frodie,  have been having me come up to their place the last couple of weekends to build period tents, sew viking garb, and make period furniture. We plan on continuing to meet every weekend all the way up to war. Want to talk about having a blast!!!
We have been calculating , recalculating, drawing, drilling,  cutting and sewing. well today we finished one of the many tents we are working on. It looks GREAT!! We were jumping around like kids in a candy store. The tents are the Oseburg Viking "A frame" tents. Now that the first one is done we used it to cut out the 2nd tent frame and it went so fast , we should have all the planned tents made by war. Amazingly enough making them ourselves is costing us 1/5 of the price of if we bought them. Once all the tents are accomplished we will then start on the furniture I can't wait. Hopefully then I can finish up the waterbearer cart. BOY wheels are tricky! Thanks Richard!!! 

Now at night, when its just too dark/cold outside to build; we go inside to sew garb. We are one apron down and looking to get 7 more done with underdresses to match. Talk about comfortable. I am so thrilled that I am finally learning how to sew and I must give big thanks out to 

raventhourne for walking us through my ancient surger and actually figuring out the problem over the phone. Thank you! thank you! thank you! Soon  I'll be zooming away with sewing all by myself. W00t! No more hand sewing for everything . So now I'm at home relaxing, getting ready to head to bed to finish up my last week of weather forecasting / pilot briefing and the likes. and then I'll ready myself to step into my new job of Unit Deployment Manager on Tuesday. I can't wait , a new challenge for me to tackle. Hopefully I can live up to my nickname of "The Fixer". So with that I am going to say night and go get all this saw dust and other gunk out of my hair.



Current Mood: excitedyet exhausted
11 January 2008 @ 12:35 am

Alright so a new year has come and I have to look back at the years past to really realize just how far I've come. As you all know this past year has been really destructive and it nearly killed me. I have had my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on, discovered people who I thought were my friends were nothing more than backstabbers and opportunist and learned that divorce brings out the ugly in people. The depression at times was unbearable though I never did show my true face I just smiled and went on my way. It has taken a lot of strength get over this pain and not destroy those who have hurt me. But alas I am abiding by the Wiccan Reade and not consciously hurting anyone though many have done it to me recently. I am releasing the negativity in small spurts so that I don't go out burn too many bridges or do something stupid and ruin what’s left of my life. So with that I will turn the page on all the liars, cheaters, deceivers and hypocrites. They know who they are and will get there’s in the long run. Karma is a bitch in that aspect. No protection spell or blessing will spare them from the bad Karma they have built up around themselves, you can lie to others but you can't lie to yourself. You know the truth. But I digress.

In looking at myself from last year to this year I have realized I have been holding onto a dream which once existed but has been killed by the very person who allowed it to exist in the first place. All this time I have been protecting the wrong people, now those individuals have so much rope to hang themselves, that they can macramé a hammock with it. And I have been helping out those who didn't appreciate my efforts. So with that I am releasing the love I had for a man who cared not if I lived or died as long as his needs were met. Whose path is on a collision course with his own demise irregardless to him who he takes down with him? I am releasing the friends who would go behind my back to talk about me or repeat stuff about me just to fit in with others with out knowing the truth. I am releasing the friends past and present who would out and out lie to my face just to get with a man who only sees them as a piece of ass and nothing else, who would rather lie and tell them what they want to hear instead of facing the fear of being alone. I am letting go of all the people whose drama far exceeds a Jerry Springer episode, and I am letting go of the hope that one day I will get the heartfelt apology from these individuals that I so rightly deserve. So with that I move on.

This year’s goals, I have so many that I guess I'll take them in lumps. So here goes.

Myself- this year I am going to find out who I really am. 11 years ago I found myself and I really liked me but over the last 11 years I lost that person. I was always too worried about keeping someone from cheating (though he managed to do it at least 6 times) and conforming to other person's needs. I forgot my own, but no more. I have needs and I will fulfill those needs until I find someone who wants to help me fulfill them as I help fulfill theirs. I plan on treating myself better, wearing makeup and getting massages, doing things to get the spring back in my step and the color back in my cheeks.

Physical- As everyone knows my health has been a major issue and in recent weeks I have found out that my cancer is not just on my skin ; there is more wrong with me than first thought. So Goal one!! I plan on getting back to tip top condition and beat this. Though I am terrified to go through it alone I will succeed. I plan on losing 40lbs, getting the surgery to eliminate the bad stuff in my system and get myself back on the right track mentally.

Job- with the New Year I have been given an opportunity to really shine in a new job. I plan on making this a stepping stone to my promotion. Which I will be setting up to make the next rank, come on Tech!! Once I return to my old job I plan on being more knowledgeable in it to be considered a guru with it.

Credit and bills- This is the year of the pay off. At one point in time I had perfect credit I plan on fighting to get that back again. I am not going to allow anyone to screw that up anymore. After my credit is back on track I plan on refinancing my house and getting it up to snuff. Hopefully I will finally get the hot tub I have wanted for years.

Education- I have put it off long enough now that I am not concerning myself with everyone else’s needs, I am going to go to school to finish up my degree. After that I will see what I want to be when I grow up.

House- this is the year of the makeover. I plan on enclosing my carport, redoing my kitchen and drafting up my additions plans. I will be repairing and refurbishing the antiques I have and organizing my life by getting rid of all the clutter. I plan on installing an irrigation system so I can have fruit trees and a greenhouse. Once all that is done I plan on looking into a pool or landscaping.

Friends- I plan on making more friends who are not so high maintenance. I will make it point to accept more invitations to events and not avoid people for fear of being hurt. I will also not tolerate being used and abused by them either.  I am not going to keep any one sided friendships. I deserve better.

My son- As he turns into an adult I want to ensure he is well prepared for the real world. I want to rekindle the closeness we had before our lives were diverted into an 11 year farce. I want to ensure his hope chests are full of belongings necessary for him to start in an apartment/dorm room of his own. I want what’s best for him and to help him heal from the past 11 years.

Love- I do plan on working on this area though my standards have risen immensely. I hope to find a man all my own (one woman man) who is honest, diverse (can wear grubbies one day and be in a tux that night), who knows when to be humorous, who can hold a conversation and likes to work outside (no sissy boys). A man who is romantic. A man who can enjoy the same hobbies I do (SCA a must, Building, cooking, learning, etc) who understands life in the military and wants to take the relationship slowly. I will not tolerate a man whose needs far exceeds my own (equal is fine). Who does things without considering me in the formula? Whose only reason for living is to use and abuse another? Someone who understands its a one shot chance to be with me. Not oops I won't do it again deal.

SCA- I'm upping my game!! Period looking tents/furniture, better garb and more participation. I plan on hanging out with more SCAdians to learn more crafts and plan on stepping up more in holding office or volunteering. I plan on accepting more invites to parties and others' houses instead of hiding in my own. Shyness must go!!! I am going to focus more on the newcomer's encampment, limiting my sponsorship to just Southern Crusades and making it more appealing to everyone not just newcomers. I plan on attending more camping events outside of the local area. I also want to find a few people who would like to camp with me on a regular basis.


So there it is my new year’s resolutions. Hopefully I can achieve everyone. Well enough for now. I plan on trying to write in this at least once a month if not more. This is my sounding board and I vow I am not going to censor myself to spare feelings. I am going to treat this as if it was my diary. So if you are going to get butt hurt if you are mentioned don't read it. It's as simple as that.



Current Mood: determined
04 December 2007 @ 11:28 pm

 Ok Ok so I have been pressured into starting a live journal . Well no not really but so many of my friends are on here and since I have been writing my life in the folds of the internet on my space, I figured this is how I can express myself and keep track of all the kewl stuff pertaining to the SCA. Don't know what that is? well its a great bunch of people (more like a family) that research history ,camp together, and have an all around good time together. If you want to know more go to www.sca.org

Ok so what to say. I guess I'll start from the recent snapshot in my life. I am a 38 year old woman recently divorced from a man I thought was my soulmate but it turned out to not be so after 11yrs. I have a 17 year old son that makes me proud everyday . I live in Tucson AZ and work on the Military base (Davis-Monthan AFB) as a Meteorologist. I am active duty in the Air Force and plan on retiring from it. I am currently looking into returning to college to finish up my associates degree and then move onto my bachelor's degree probably in history. 

I am currently looking for a man who will love me for me that understands the life style of the Military and would love the SCA like I do.
I am currently busy fixing up my house I purchased recently (6 months ago). Its an older home and needs some work but you can't beat the view or the lot size . The location is also sweet.

Well there it is me in a nut shell.

Current Location: bedroom
Current Mood: creative