Alright so a new year has come and I have to look back at the years past to really realize just how far I've come. As you all know this past year has been really destructive and it nearly killed me. I have had my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on, discovered people who I thought were my friends were nothing more than backstabbers and opportunist and learned that divorce brings out the ugly in people. The depression at times was unbearable though I never did show my true face I just smiled and went on my way. It has taken a lot of strength get over this pain and not destroy those who have hurt me. But alas I am abiding by the Wiccan Reade and not consciously hurting anyone though many have done it to me recently. I am releasing the negativity in small spurts so that I don't go out burn too many bridges or do something stupid and ruin what’s left of my life. So with that I will turn the page on all the liars, cheaters, deceivers and hypocrites. They know who they are and will get there’s in the long run. Karma is a bitch in that aspect. No protection spell or blessing will spare them from the bad Karma they have built up around themselves, you can lie to others but you can't lie to yourself. You know the truth. But I digress.
In looking at myself from last year to this year I have realized I have been holding onto a dream which once existed but has been killed by the very person who allowed it to exist in the first place. All this time I have been protecting the wrong people, now those individuals have so much rope to hang themselves, that they can macramé a hammock with it. And I have been helping out those who didn't appreciate my efforts. So with that I am releasing the love I had for a man who cared not if I lived or died as long as his needs were met. Whose path is on a collision course with his own demise irregardless to him who he takes down with him? I am releasing the friends who would go behind my back to talk about me or repeat stuff about me just to fit in with others with out knowing the truth. I am releasing the friends past and present who would out and out lie to my face just to get with a man who only sees them as a piece of ass and nothing else, who would rather lie and tell them what they want to hear instead of facing the fear of being alone. I am letting go of all the people whose drama far exceeds a Jerry Springer episode, and I am letting go of the hope that one day I will get the heartfelt apology from these individuals that I so rightly deserve. So with that I move on.
This year’s goals, I have so many that I guess I'll take them in lumps. So here goes.
Myself- this year I am going to find out who I really am. 11 years ago I found myself and I really liked me but over the last 11 years I lost that person. I was always too worried about keeping someone from cheating (though he managed to do it at least 6 times) and conforming to other person's needs. I forgot my own, but no more. I have needs and I will fulfill those needs until I find someone who wants to help me fulfill them as I help fulfill theirs. I plan on treating myself better, wearing makeup and getting massages, doing things to get the spring back in my step and the color back in my cheeks.
Physical- As everyone knows my health has been a major issue and in recent weeks I have found out that my cancer is not just on my skin ; there is more wrong with me than first thought. So Goal one!! I plan on getting back to tip top condition and beat this. Though I am terrified to go through it alone I will succeed. I plan on losing 40lbs, getting the surgery to eliminate the bad stuff in my system and get myself back on the right track mentally.
Job- with the New Year I have been given an opportunity to really shine in a new job. I plan on making this a stepping stone to my promotion. Which I will be setting up to make the next rank, come on Tech!! Once I return to my old job I plan on being more knowledgeable in it to be considered a guru with it.
Credit and bills- This is the year of the pay off. At one point in time I had perfect credit I plan on fighting to get that back again. I am not going to allow anyone to screw that up anymore. After my credit is back on track I plan on refinancing my house and getting it up to snuff. Hopefully I will finally get the hot tub I have wanted for years.
Education- I have put it off long enough now that I am not concerning myself with everyone else’s needs, I am going to go to school to finish up my degree. After that I will see what I want to be when I grow up.
House- this is the year of the makeover. I plan on enclosing my carport, redoing my kitchen and drafting up my additions plans. I will be repairing and refurbishing the antiques I have and organizing my life by getting rid of all the clutter. I plan on installing an irrigation system so I can have fruit trees and a greenhouse. Once all that is done I plan on looking into a pool or landscaping.
Friends- I plan on making more friends who are not so high maintenance. I will make it point to accept more invitations to events and not avoid people for fear of being hurt. I will also not tolerate being used and abused by them either. I am not going to keep any one sided friendships. I deserve better.
My son- As he turns into an adult I want to ensure he is well prepared for the real world. I want to rekindle the closeness we had before our lives were diverted into an 11 year farce. I want to ensure his hope chests are full of belongings necessary for him to start in an apartment/dorm room of his own. I want what’s best for him and to help him heal from the past 11 years.
Love- I do plan on working on this area though my standards have risen immensely. I hope to find a man all my own (one woman man) who is honest, diverse (can wear grubbies one day and be in a tux that night), who knows when to be humorous, who can hold a conversation and likes to work outside (no sissy boys). A man who is romantic. A man who can enjoy the same hobbies I do (SCA a must, Building, cooking, learning, etc) who understands life in the military and wants to take the relationship slowly. I will not tolerate a man whose needs far exceeds my own (equal is fine). Who does things without considering me in the formula? Whose only reason for living is to use and abuse another? Someone who understands its a one shot chance to be with me. Not oops I won't do it again deal.
SCA- I'm upping my game!! Period looking tents/furniture, better garb and more participation. I plan on hanging out with more SCAdians to learn more crafts and plan on stepping up more in holding office or volunteering. I plan on accepting more invites to parties and others' houses instead of hiding in my own. Shyness must go!!! I am going to focus more on the newcomer's encampment, limiting my sponsorship to just Southern Crusades and making it more appealing to everyone not just newcomers. I plan on attending more camping events outside of the local area. I also want to find a few people who would like to camp with me on a regular basis.
So there it is my new year’s resolutions. Hopefully I can achieve everyone. Well enough for now. I plan on trying to write in this at least once a month if not more. This is my sounding board and I vow I am not going to censor myself to spare feelings. I am going to treat this as if it was my diary. So if you are going to get butt hurt if you are mentioned don't read it. It's as simple as that.